fueled by diet coke

it’s been a while since i’ve posted a for really reals type post. so i guess i should probably do that. 

(well, i say that. but the truth is that i’m really posting here as opposed to my “real” blog because only about five of you read this versus the hundreds that read that one. barf.)

anyway.

today begins the season of lent — the season of self-denial and reflection as we walk toward the cross. each year before this one, it’s been obvious to me the things i should fast throughout the lenten season:

• fast food
• junk food
• soda
• caffeine
• vain beauty practices
• me, me, me, etc. etc. etc.

this year, it wasn’t so obvious. as a matter of fact, until about an hour ago, i didn’t know what God wanted me to this year. 

but as i was sitting in my cubicle, getting ready to tackle today’s to-do list, God laid my special not-at-all-lindsay-centered lenten path upon my heart as heavy as a sack of bricks.

oh the weight of it is crushing. oh the weight. 

i am an insolent child, violently kicking and screaming and pounding on my heavy chest with fear and self-loathing. 

for the first time on my walk, i will not tell a soul (not even my husband) about the specifics of my lenten journey. i will fast and pray and give in secret for forty days (and possibly beyond.)

we have come from dust, and to dust we shall return.

God is my shield,
      saving those whose hearts are true and right.
God is an honest judge.
      He is angry with the wicked every day.
If a person does not repent,
      God will sharpen his sword;
      he will bend and string his bow.
He will prepare his deadly weapons
      and shoot his flaming arrows.
The wicked conceive evil;
      they are pregnant with trouble
      and give birth to lies.
They dig a deep pit to trap others,
      then fall into it themselves.
The trouble they make for others backfires on them.
      The violence they plan falls on their own heads.

Psalm 7:10-16.

It’s no shock to me that evidently I’m a crappy Christian for being happy that God plucked an evil man from this earth. But God is just. And I rejoice in justice. Which, I guess, means I rejoice in Osama’s death. No worries, though. I’m sure someone will shoot me in the head and thousands of people will rejoice at that, too. It is, after all, what I deserve.

(via peprkaq-deactivated20110714)

then my heels are dug in deep in the sand on the shores of shame while i slowly but surely burn alive by condemning sun rays, refusing to run to the water and find healing and comfort because i know i don’t deserve it.