i tore and/or sprained a ligament in my knee last wednesday. the healing process is of an “undetermined” length of time which scares me. i’m scared that i will never dance again. that i will never run again. that i will never be able to walk without pain again. i realize i’m probably overreacting but for someone so active, this is agonizing.
the saddest part of it all? the thing i’m MOST terrified of is getting fat in the months i’m laid out.
i’m so angry about that.
The first time I remember comparing myself to others and trying to change to be like them was a complete disaster.
I was around four or five years old. I grew up the only girl in my family, surrounded by a brother and endless boy cousins including my cousin and best friend Brian. Since Brian and I were so close in age and in relationship, we were practically joined at the hip. Everything was fine and good, except for one thing: Brian peed standing up. So did the rest of my cousins and my brother. I didn’t understand why I was trained to pee sitting down. Even though I was obviously an anatomical outsider, I hated feeling like I was different from Brian and the rest of my family members. I was convinced that even though everyone called me a girl, I could be a boy if I wanted to. All I had to do was pee standing up. Then I could be just like everyone else.
How hard could it be? I mean, it seemed pretty straight forward. So I marched into my mother’s bathroom, closed the door, pulled down my pants, faced the toilet, and went.